HEART

Bak kata kak Mariam
"Hati kite ni...kalau tak isi dengan Allah..tu yang diisi dengan benda2 lain.."

Bak kata kak Zai
"Hati kite ni...kalau tak isi dengan ayat-ayat Allah..akan diisi dengan ayat-ayat cinta..."

Aku pun ketawa bila dengar

Ketawa yang bermakna

Senyuman mula menguntum

Bermakna sungguh kata-kata itu...

Baru ini aku berpeluang bertemu dengan beberapa insan yang begitu istimewa, yang mengajar aku bahawa aku ini seorang wanita dan menyedarkan aku bagaimana tingkah laku seorang wanita muslim. Aku melihat kebahagiaan di depan mataku yang tak pernah terbayang olehku bahawa kebahagiaan seindah dan sesuci itu masih wujud.

Insan-insan istimewa ini telah memberikan aku inspirasi baru dan menguatkan keyakinan aku bahawa aku masih ada ruang untuk menjadi seperti mereka. Mereka mengasihi dan dikasihi semata-mata kerana Allah.

Pertemuan aku dengan mereka melahirkan keazaman ini...

Kepada dia yang selama ini mengisi hatiku...

Aku tinggalkan segala sejarah
antara kamu dan aku
dan aku padamkan ingatanku padamu seberapa mampu
kerana kau itu masih 'haram' bagiku

Sekiranya sesuatu perkara yang Allah haramkan
lalu kita tinggalkan
insyaAllah akan Dia kurniakan juga kepada kita
tapi dengan cara yang halal kemudian hari
aku yakin sekali

dan kepada dia yang aku ini telah mengisi hatinya...

aku sekadar sebutir debu
dibandingkan keindahan
dan kemuliaan bidadari syurga

aku tercipta dari saripati mani yang hina
tidak layak walau sedikit pun
untuk aku mengambil tempat di hati itu

seandainya kau lemah
aku apatah lagi

aku suatu hari nanti
akan kembali ke tanah
di makan ulat dan unggas
di dalamnya, sedikit pun aku tidak berdaya
membantu memberatkan timbanganmu
untuk mengisi syurga

Kepada Allah yang memiliki hati-hati kami dan yang seharusnya mengisi hati-hati kami...

Astaghfirullah wa atubuilaik...

Tetapkanlah kami di atas jalan agamaMu...

Lavender Smile

I was only 13 when my sister was diagnosed to be having the third stage breast cancer. Dad did not cry in the doctor’s room, not at the hospital, but his face showed everything. Deep inside, his heart sank in tears. All of us cannot accept the fact that what mum had suffered 10 years ago, will now be suffered by my elder sister. I kept telling myself, ‘Lavender is so young. She can’t and she won’t die from cancer. I won’t let her die’. But those words did not really help. I cried when I noticed dad cried so hard in front of the TV. It was his favorite football match on the screen and for the first glimpse, I thought he was watching. He was not. He was crying, imagining how painful and difficult Lavender’s life would be.
Everything started at one night in April. Lavender and I was surfing the internet together. Well, yes, it was always the YouTube that got our attention. And the ‘Limewire’ as well. Lavender was so into Jason Mraz and she asked me to download some of his songs. She stood straight behind me but I didn’t realize that. As I finally finished downloading, I quickly turned back, hoping to tell her about the songs when my elbow suddenly knocked her chest as she was just behind me. She screamed out in pain and I just didn’t know what to do. I kept on telling her that I didn’t see her and I was so sorry but she was really in pain. Dad entered our room and discovered Lavender trembling on the floor. I knew that such knock could be quite painful to young ladies like me and Lavender but why does it seem to be so severe for Lavender? What is wrong with my sister? Those questions ran down my brain as I sat still at the clinic. Dad was beside me. He asked me what had happen and the knock story was revealed. Dad didn’t say anything. Not a single word. Things happen.


Dr Jessica Page invited Dad into her room and I was left at the waiting area. At that moment, I didn’t know their discussion and Lavender’s condition and I took that leaving as a kind of payback from God to me. But after that, Dad really explained everything to me. Dr Jessica Page looked grave. She told Dad and Lavender about the lump, make it lumps protruding on Lavender’s chest and armpit. ‘But cancer won’t be painful…’ Lavender looked straight to Dr Page’s eyes. ‘It would if it is in the later stages’. Her eyes were apologizing to her because the answer was extremely disappointing. Dad stared at the floor. His mind was filled with mum’s memory. The pain she’s gone through left inerasable scars to his heart. He was upset and he could feel the anger and tense in him. Lavender’s blue eyes were filled with tears. Dr Page asked for a mammogram as quickly as possible. Everything was done immediately.
I once asked Lavender, ‘Did you feel any pain before that night when the accident occurred? Or you just started feeling it right after that?’ Lavender looked out the window and answered, ‘I did feel before that. But the book said it was normal for girl like us. It was supposed to be the puberty syndrome.’


The next day, Dr Page told Dad and Lavender that there is an abnormality and they need to do a biopsy. Lavender cried hard. Dad hugged her quickly. I was at the door, standing. I heard dad saying ‘if your mother can face it, you can do better than her, cup cake… trust me’. I looked down. I didn’t remember the feelings in me. I felt as if I can’t breathe, as if the air was not enough and all I got was the air in my chest. The news made me feel trembled and I gradually sat on the floor. ‘I can’t lose my sister. I’ve lost my mother. Oh God, don’t take my Lavender from me’ Dr Page was speechless. She held Lavender’s hand.
The next few days seemed to be more emotionally unstable for the three of us. Dad asked for his annual leaves from his employer. Every evening witnessed Lavender’s cry and her dreadful pain put me into tears as well. But tough Lisa never cried in front of Lavender. I always ran to the back of the verandah and had quite a good cry there. After that, I will go back to kitchen and prepare some porridge for my beautiful Lavender. Dad was quite disturbed in the first few days. He didn’t watch his favorite football anymore. He sat still on the red sofa, holding mum’s picture and gazed at the ceiling. I can feel his emptiness. Everyone was so sad and weak. Dad was haunted by mum’s death. Lavender was haunted by her own death.


I slept beside Lavender every night and woke up every morning with a scary question ‘Is Lavender still alive?’ I still remember the morning when I was told that mum was dead. It traumatized me until now.
Outside, the breeze of May was quite cold. Minnesota is bustling like everyday. But deep inside us, everything has totally paused. Cold like the windy air. Empty like mum’s wardrobe. Silent like in my school’s library. Lavender was taken to the hospital for a needle biopsy. While waiting outside, dad told me that the procedure was so painful. Small teenager like Lavender would never stand the ache. ‘She will cry’ and after that, Dad will looked up and closed his eyes, hoping that the tears won’t run down his face. But I saw the tears. It’s not on his face. I saw the tears inside him. The tumor was located under the armpit as well and the ordeal to take the samples seemed to torture Lavender. Her blue eyes were again filled with tears. Days later, the results confirmed that it was cancer, a persistent type. We were asked to meet Dr Linda Bartleby, a breast cancer surgeon. ‘ It is at the third stage, Mr. Gaines. There are not many options to be chosen. Usually, it’s either operation or chemo.’


Lavender was later passed to the oncologist, Dr Steven J. Thompson, who will decide the treatment for her. Dr Thompson and Dr Bartleby together with their team seemed to have quite a number of discussions. I let them do their part. I did my part. I went home and tide up everything, changed the bed sheet, arranged the spoons and plates on the dining table, cleaned up the living room and packed up some cross-stitch stuff and magazines for Lavender. She always told me that the hospital mood was really boring. Dad was doing his part too. He was always there for both of us. Dad went to the bank for quite a number of times. Well, someone needs to pay the hospital bills. The cancer treatments were not only torturing our Lavender, but torturing me and dad too.


At the ward, Lavender was not happy. The aggressive chemotherapy was killing her slowly. She needed to undergo the chemotherapy first before the mastectomy in order to reduce the size of the tumors and prevent them from spreading. Lavender was so ill. The chemotherapy was far crueler than I thought, it seized Lavender’s golden hair, and her weight, and her smiles from her. It seized Lavender from her. Lavender was so like mother. She got blue eyes and golden hair and so does Lavender. I was the black sheep in the family. I got auburn hair and green eyes. Those are not really from dad but dad said I resembled his late sister, Luna. Lavender received 3 highly potent liquid drugs in bags. The fourth bag was an antiemitic to relieve vomiting. At first, she looked so hard to breath with those wires of drugs streams all around her.
The effects of the drugs appeared more significant after a few days. She was so weak, physically and emotionally. The drugs were killing her healthy cells as well. She was so tired. We were all tired. Lavender looked really like mum now. Dad spent more money to buy nutritious and nourishing food for every one of us and especially for Lavender as she needed to gain back her energy and strength. But Lavender cannot eat. She kept on vomiting every bite she had and she cried every time she ate. She told me, exhaustedly, that her throat was so painful and dry. Lavender’s golden hair didn’t fall much after the first session of chemo but after that, there goes her dry golden hair. Every time I comb her hair, I can make wool of hair with them.

Dr Bartleby told us that Lavender’s immune system was weakening. She needed daily injections to boost back the development of her white cells. She cannot do anything. Her pale body was helpless. I hold her hands and whispered to dad, ‘I miss her red hands…’ The chemotherapy was really taking its toll on her. The third round of therapy weakened her so much. Our Lavender was so blue and fragile. She was dehydrated and was given continuous fluids. However, one morning in early June was such a joyful moment for us as Lavender showed a little improvement. She can smile to us as we entered the ward. Lavender looked different. She was completely bald and needed to wear a beret to hide her pale bald head. One day she smiled at me and said ‘ I heard that Britney wore beret too when she was bald’ She laughed. And I laughed too.


In September, the mastectomy was completely done and Lavender looked very difficult to accept the fact that she now had only one breast. She was only 18 and she had only one breast. The fact killed her motivation faster than the chemo and the mastectomy. Dr Thompson and Bartleby insisted Lavender to undergo a string of treatment as the chances for the cancer to reoccur is higher if it has reached the third stage. Lavender didn’t think much. She didn’t talk much, especially after the mastectomy. She chooses chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant. Dad was really depressed. ‘When will this end?’ He asked the doctor helplessly. ‘We are doing our best. So does our Lavender. She will be strong if she saw your strength, Gaines.’ Dr Bartleby’s answer ran straight to my heart.
Again, the chemo put her in the unbearable pain and we needed to prepare ourselves to lose our Lavender again. She received high-dosage chemotherapy so as to kill all potentially cancerous cells. It was already November when the treatment started. As I sat beside her bed and stared at her pale face, I realized that when God gave her the disease, He was not torturing her, he was not torturing me and Dad. He was showing His love and His mercy. Lavender could have died yesterday and everything will go back to the usual but He didn’t take her. She was still there for us and we were still there for her, at that moment. She was there not really because she needed us but she was there because I needed her. And dad needed her. We all needed her.


The next few days witnessed her to be, again, entirely weak. She vomited and suffered from diarrhoea. She looked dizzy and half-unconscious even though her eyes were opened. On December 25, 2005, I and dad were having our quick dinner at home before moving back to the hospital when dad received an emergency call from Dr Bartleby. Lavender’s body temperature was so high that she suddenly got epilepsy. It was really unexpected and she was unconscious after she received the injection for the sudden epilepsy. The phone call changed dad’s face. We quickly reached the hospital and waited outside the emergency room. Dad stopped every nurse that walked out of the room but they were really in emergency situation and none of them can tell us what was happening. ‘Maybe it’s because of the high-dosage and she just can’t stand the metabolism…. maybe it’s because of the bone marrow transplant procedure… she’s just….’ Dad walked here and there talking to himself like crazy. I don’t disapprove his actions. He needed it. Those words were just to help him comforting his own heart.


After a long wait, Dr Bartleby came out from the room together with Dr Thompson. Dad looked straight to their eyes. Dr Linda Bartleby walked straight to me. She hugged me and whispered, ‘I saw her smiling. Lavender smiled at her end…’ As the two doctors talked personally to dad, I stared at everything around me but I saw nothing. There were so many sounds but I heard nothing. My eyes were blurred by some unknown fluids that came from nowhere and I found myself crying so hard after that. Dad was unable to stand anymore. He felt as if there were 2 big heavy rocks placed on his two shoulders. Dad was so sad. 10 years ago, he lost his beloved wife, now; he lost his daughter, for the same cruel cancer. Dad came to me and hugged me and I tied my hands strongly behind his back. In my heart, I repeatedly thanked God for giving me, at least, a dad to go on with whatever left in my life. To Lavender, ‘you did it! Girl, mum must be proud of you. I know you will make quite a good living somewhere up there.’


Today, December 25, 2008. Lavender’s golden hair, blue eyes and puffy face can only be seen in pictures. In front of the computer, downloading an old song, it really reminds me to Lavender and her sweet smile like those lavenders during springs. I really miss my Lavender and her ‘lavender smiles’.

I’m a big big girl
in a big big world
it’s not a big big thing if u leave me
but I do do feel that I do do will miss u much

I can see da first leave falling
it’s all yellow and nice
it’s so very cold outside like the way I’m feeling inside

outside its now raining
and tears are falling from my eyes
why did it have to happen
why did it all have to end?

I have your arms around me
wooh like fire
but when I open my eyes
you are gone

Rahsia Kejayaan Israel

Orang-orang zionis ini sebenarnya adalah bangsa yang paling kalah dimuka bumi ini. Mereka lah yang paling rugi di kala hayat ataupun maut mereka. Kenapa? Kerana Allah dan RasulNya telah pun memutuskan hubungan dengan kaum penderhaka ini kerana sengketa dan kebongkakkan mereka. (Rujuk At Taubah: ayat 1-26)

Kadangkala kita berasa pelik juga bukan? Bagaimana Israel berjaya menerobos bumi Palestin padahal mereka sebelum ini terbuang, sedikit, dan tidak bertanah air pun? Sehinggakan pada hari ini, kita umat Islam semakin tenggelam dalam permainan dunia Israel ini.

Israel hari ini begitu mendominasi politik dan ekonomi dunia. Hal ini bukanlah sesuatu yang wujud dari perancangan 2 3 hari sebaliknya ia adalah perancangan teliti puluhan tahun yang lalu. Bagaimana mereka boleh berjaya?
1)Gerak kerja mereka yang benar-benar berteraskan aqidah yahudi yang sangat kuat.

2)Program-program dirancang dan dilaksanakan secara teratur dan bersistematik. (Allah telah pun mengingatkan kita supaya berstruktur dalam perjuangan kita dalam surah As Saff... berstruktur dan sistematik adalah kunci kejayaan yang benar2 hebat)

3)Yahudi 'all out' dalam apa yang mereka lakukan. Kekuatan mereka dipadukan dan mereka begitu bijak mencari peluang.

4)Mereka tidak takut keyahudian mereka diketahui atau menjadi kajian/pandangan orang. Mereka bangga akan keyahudian mereka. Tetapi kebanyakan kita umat Islam, masih takut dan masih belum berbangga dengan keIslaman mereka. Kita berasa bangga apabila imej kita menyamai kaum kafir. Pelik... pelik...

Maka, kita Moslem, kene kaji balik kejayaan kaum yahudi ini kerana kejayaan mereka beerti kegagalan kita. Di sebalik kekuatan mereka, pasti tersembunyi kelemahan kita umat Islam.

Puisi Kegemaran Hassan Al Banna...

"mata yang terjaga di malam hari bukan keranaMu adalah kebatilan...
tangisan mata bukan kerana kehilanganMu adalah sia-sia..."

Imam Hassan Al Banna sering melafazkan puisi ini ketika bersama-sama dengan sahabat-sahabat seperjuangannya...

Cuba hayati.

Berapa kali dalam seminggu, lewat malam kita diisi dengan sendu tangisan keinsafan di hadapan Allah SWT? Berapa kali? Ataukah malam-malam kita diisi dengan tidur yang terlalu enak? Atau mungkin terisi dengan perbualan telefon yang berjela panjang, kosong isi perbualannya, sekadar gelak tawa yang bertahan hanya seketika?

Berapa kali air mata kita mengalir kerana rasa rindu dan cinta pada Allah, teringin nak bertemu Allah dan Rasulullah, menangis kerana rasa terlalu jauh dari Allah? Berapa kali? Atau mungkin air mata kita selama ini telah tersia-sia, kerana yang pernah kita tangisi hanyalah perkara yang sia-sia... Mungkin pernah kita tangisi percintaan yang kecundang, atau mungkin keputusan exam yang tidak cemerlang, atau mungkin juga kita tangisi filem-filem Jepun dan Korea...

Astaghfirullah wa atubuilaik

It's never too late to change ok?....=)

Sayonara Jahiliyahku....

Aku nak buat perubahan yang sangat banyak pada diriku yang serba kurang ni...

Azam baru aku tak banyak tapi azam yang lama yang tak terbuat lagi itulah yang agak banyak juge

Fuh.. walopon lambat sikit aku menukilkan resolusi baru untuk diriku padahal dah 9 hari berada dalam tahun 2009, aku yakin aku belum terlambat.

Aku cerita di laman ini, bukanlah berniat nak mengade2 atau nak menunjuk atau nak poyo. No. Never. Itu bukan aku. Tapi aku cerita sikit di sini, dengan harapan mungkin dapat beri ilham kepadayang membaca untuk jadikan azam baru aku azam baru mereka juga dan yang paling penting, supaya sekiranya aku tidak mencapainya, mereka yang teringat dapat ingatkan aku.

First sekali adalah nak clearkan jahiliyah yang tak pernah dapat aku tinggalkan sekalipun aku sudah bergelar naqibah iaitu lagu-lagu heavy semacam yang tak ada peranan pun sebenarnya dalam hidup aku. Sayonara Avril Lavigne yang aku minati sejak usiaku 14 tahun. InsyaAllah, esok akan ku delete semua lagu-lagumu kerana tiada satu pun dapat bantu aku untuk jadi pendakwah yang hebat untuk bekerja untuk Islam. Sayonara Jay Z and Linkin Park. Lirik Encore Numb yang aku hampir hafal itu akan cuba aku padamkan dari ingatan kerana terlalu banyak F dan M word yang tidak layak meniti bibir seorang Islam sekalipun sekadar nyanyian kosong. Sayonara semua klip-klip video dan trek-trek yang berfolder-folder dalam otak laptopku. Maaf. Aku harus guna capacity tersebut untuk trek-trek rakaman ceramah dan perancangan dakwahku.

Sayonara bad words macam 'bongok', 'bengong', 'bengok', dan sewaktu dengannya yang walaupun aku dibesarkan bersama-sama dengan words ini dan nature ku tidak menganggap ia kasar tetapi demi menjadi tentera Allah yang benar-benar devote to Islam dan benar-benar sejati, aku harus berkata-kata baik. Maaf kepada semua yang pernah ku lafazkan 'kepala hotak ko'... aku tidak sempurna. Aku akan berusaha.

Inilah mujahadah yang paling mencabar. Sayonara kawan-kawan yang tidak sejantina denganku. Terasa sudah tiba aku menjaga dengan sempurna pergaulan ku. Bagaimana mungkin aku menjadi tentera Allah yang sempurna di medan jihad, sekiranya aku tidak mampu memerangi syaitan dalam diriku. Meningkat usia 20 tahun, hampir 2 tahun menceburi usrah, betapa gagalnya aku seandainya tidak ada perubahan pada dunia sosial ku...

Ya Allah... bantulah aku. Aku hanya mencari redha Mu. All i want to do is to please you. Pilihlah aku sebagai pejuang agamaMu. please Allah...i beg you...

Dragged By The Undertow

Day by day, bit by bit, our teenagers’ mind are soaked with unwanted germs of secularism and are progressively dragged by the undertow set by irresponsible rascals who argue against the world peace. I am not talking about rivals of Islam, playing black trick to trick our teenagers, no. Nor blaming the non believers of Islam for that matter. I am talking about the enemy of the global peace- the biggest terrorist Israel!The non Muslims in the west, some step forward and fight for world peace, scorn Israel for killing Muslims in Palestine. This shows everything. We all pray, we all hope, we all work and we all stand, for that one word- Peace.

Yes, we got big crisis in Middle East, big enough to burn all Muslims’ heart in anger watching our brothers and sisters killed everyday without mercy by Israeli terrorists. Big enough to have made you and me and them embargo Israel products when we shop and big enough to give us strength to open our wallets and donated every penny or at least a portion of our cash for the Palestinians. Man, the crisis is damn big ,but guess what, it’s not that big in our true hearts.

The money donated or the Israel products that we reject or the inner anger we have in our hearts- and at the same time, we did our same faux-pas everyday that dragged down our ummah deeper and deeper into chaos. What are the false steps?

Sad to see and say this, while TV in Israel rarely shows entertaining TV programs to the citizens but aggressive campaign to conquer Palestine, we have almost all the cinemas played on our TV screen in our place. We significantly separate Islam from our entertainment. See the difference? See how they succeed and we failed?

While Israel attacks our brothers and sisters in Palestine, maims the old folks and women, arrests the fathers and rape our sisters 9 times every day, I wonder, we still have our tears for Korean movies and for our half-way love story. What is this?

Fine. Some might say, ‘Palestinians issues seem to be too far away from us that we cant really feel it. Hey, we got a life to live too okay?’ Fine!
Then, live your precious life while you can.

What I try to say is not that we all need to sit and cry everyday because we feel sorry for the Palestinians. No. I’m saying, man, wherever you are; you should start the very first step to save our brothers and sisters in Palestine which is to be a very good Muslim in the first place. You be a good muslim, you work hard as a good muslim and gain God’s blessings, you gain knowledge and go spread them all and strengthen your understanding. Then you should create a good muslim family where you lead you family towards God’s blessings too and you make good muslim friends who’ll go and create many good muslims families and they go and spread everything and the steps proliferate till we have everyone together to savior the victims. Yes, it might take time. Do we have to give up just because we cant wait or wont live to see the result? Whatever we start today will affect our tomorrow. Whoever we are today will determine ourselves in the future. The first start is always ours.